Shifting emotions: practical tools for real-life meltdowns

Last week, I broke down what happens in your brain during an emotional reaction — the inner battle between your amygdala and your cortex. Now let’s talk about what you can do: how to work with the space, thoughts, and relationships around you to stop spiraling and start regulating.

When the outside and the inside don’t match. The voice inside your head.

Interesting thing — our capacity for external regulation varies dramatically depending on the situation. I’m very guilty of yelling at my child sometimes. And in that moment, I feel like I’m losing it — like I have absolutely no control over this powerful feeling that is making my mouth let out these noises in a shape of harsh words. I’m sure at that moment that I have reached my limit and harboring that amount of anger, frustration and despair is just not humanly possible. Can you relate?

But think of a similar situation, where the reason you’re upset isn’t a kid spilling milk, but your boss handing you 16 extra hours of work they were supposed to do themselves and then checking out for the weekend, leaving you to deal with the mess? Or maybe it’s not your boss — maybe it’s a grown-up friend drunkenly oversharing something you desperately wanted to keep private. Would you lose it that bad? Would you yell at them?

I doubt it. I definitely wouldn’t. Even though adults in our lives often act in far nastier ways than our kids, we are able to control our behavior better and regulate just fine — at least on the outside. Because the social pressure is higher.

Unfortunately, too often in these moments when we manage to keep a good face, what’s happening on the inside is a total mess. We keep ruminating and spiraling, reliving the situation and hurting tremendously — even though we appeared composed and professional.

And I think this is exactly where learning to truly regulate our emotions becomes crucial for long-term mental health. The voice in our head can be absolutely brutal. Ethan Kross, neuroscientist, professor of psychology and director of the Emotion & Self Control Laboratory at the University of Michigan, in his book Chatter, points out that our thoughts have a tremendous effect on our experience. What we think creates the narrative of our life. We don’t remember what happened — we remember what we thought about it. So our perception of life is shaped more by our thoughts than by actual events. That means the way we view our past depends entirely on what we chose to remember about it. Our mood, too, is defined not by the experience itself, but by how we interpreted it.

All this makes training of the inner voice an essential task for living a full, meaningful life — connecting with others, shaping our identities, and preserving our health.

Where to intervene?

There are multiple strategies for emotion regulation that are studied well enough to be considered proven effective. Interventions can happen at any point in the event-reaction chain.

We can start by working with our environment, support systems, and social circles to reduce the likelihood of emotionally triggering situations in the first place. Choosing to stay in a toxic workplace increases the chances of being triggered by unfair treatment. Having a jar of cookies on the kitchen counter may affect our food choices. Checking the weather before leaving the house can save us from the frustration of getting soaked. You get the idea: being aware of what has a potential to upset you gives an opportunity to minimize the intensity of these experiences or to avoid them altogether.

The first emotions we experience immediately after something happens are often hard — or even impossible — to control. Somebody cuts me off in traffic — I get startled. I hear the sound of broken glass from the kitchen where my kid is snacking — I feel a mix of fear and frustration. The initial emotion is outside of our control — it’s just like any other receptor signaling change. But what we do have control over is how the emotion develops. We can change its direction and intensity. I can go down the rumination path and start cursing the stupid driver who nearly killed us all, wondering where they got their license, blaming them and everyone on their phones… you get it :) That startle quickly morphs into full-blown rage. Or — I can shrug my shoulders, return to my previous train of thought, and move on. This is a conscious choice. And choosing to protect our energy, mental space, and peace of mind is a skill we can learn.

If the emotion is growing in an unwanted direction, we’ve got a few tricks in our pocket. Another book by Ethan Kross — yes, I’m fascinated with his work lately — called Shift describes six types of “shifters” that help change the trajectory of an emotional response. Some are internal, some are external.

Internal shifters are:

Sensory. For example, listening to music has a significant potential of changing our emotional state. Remember that moment when you hear your favorite song on the radio. How does it make you feel? Another big one is touch. Putting on a cozy sweater or petting a fluffy puppy when feeling down, makes the world seem a little less cruel.

Perspective. Trying to look at the situation from someone else’s perspective allows to gain distance and make more rational decisions. Imagine that whatever is happening is happening to your good friend - and not to you. This way you will still care, but won’t be as involved, so the intensity of the emotions won’t be as blinding.

Attention. It’s not about ignoring or suppressing the feelings. But oftentimes, averting attention for a period of time helps to step out of the challenging emotion and let it cool off.

External shifters:

Space. There are spaces that feel good or bad to us. A few newsletters ago I wrote about the importance of environment for our emotional well-being, and this is it. By using or avoiding particular spaces we can also influence our emotional state. When we lived in Seattle we sometimes went to the Hurricane Ridge - marvelous place that I called my “place of power” because of the overwhelming feeling of peace and tranquility it gave me every time I was there, regardless of what emotional mess I was bringing in.

Relationship. Yes, people do affect us a lot. Having people you can lean on in a moment of crisis, especially ones who are capable of helping you reframe your thoughts, rather than escalate, is priceless. Being aware of and avoiding toxic relationships is also essential. Even though ending some relationships can be socially judged or have unfavorable career consequences, in a long run such decision may dramatically change your life for the better. Always worth consideration.

Culture. Our upbringing shapes our emotional response patterns. But we are in control of choosing the culture we want to belong to. It’s a huge change, but feeling of belonging is one of the strongest pillars of human happiness. I have moved across the world for this exact reason. Very hard, but so much worth it!

Overall, learning to recognize, understand, and influence emotions, managing the behavioral responses and developing emotional intelligence is an unavoidable part of being a human. Practices like mindfulness and cognitive reappraisal (aka reframing) build the foundation for growing a stronger, healthier, less reactive mind. Therapy is another foundational resource that is as important as any other preventative care or basic hygiene.

Regulating emotions is a practice. One that involves environment, relationships, thought patterns, and support. Whether you’re trying to parent more calmly, lead more clearly, or just make it through your day with less internal noise — emotional regulation is the invisible skill that makes the visible parts of life better.

If this hits home, I’d love to hear from you. What helps you shift out of spirals and into calm? Send me a message — I’m always curious how people make this work in real life.